While in New York

It's been months since i last saw her face. Since i last saw the reflection of light in her eye. Smelled the sweet scent of vanilla emitting from her clean skin. Feeling the warmth she emits in bed. She was always warm. Curling up in my sheets wrapping herself like a burrito. I can never forget the way she looked at me when she first woke up. Her eyes soft as the days first light. Looked at me pondering. Perhaps thinking what she wanted for breakfast. But i like to think she thought about me. Perhaps us in the future. But who am i to think this beautiful person would think of me and her in the future. Why would this girl pick me. Up to now it seems she has. She has other suiters. Yet she spends every night in my house. In my bed. I could've stayed and looked at her for days. She's so beautiful.

It's been months. I try and forget her. Going here and there and thinking of other things. Distracting things. But everything has to do with her. She was the reason my world turned. Without her everything feels astray. I just spent 2 weeks in New York. The city glows with the energy of the people that inhabit the area. Everyone there is incredibly welcoming. I miss all those people. Mike is a good friend. He always listens with open ears and intrepets what i tell him. He doesn't just wait for his turn to talk. I feel like i could tell him anything and he always gives me truthful and weighted answers. Theres an honesty in him not often found in most friends. Seems he really cares. He tells me to forget her. But she was my girl. I took care of her and loved to do so. She might have been a pain in the ass but she was my pain in the ass. In the train one day there was an elderly woman in front of me. She seemed well dressed and of wealth. Why was this lady on a train well passed midnight ? I looked at her and wondered these things. For some reason it reminded me so much of Amliv. The more i looked at her the more i noticed little things. One thing that especially struck me was a watch she was wearing. This was no women's style watch. The face was too big. Too classically big for a woman's wrists. It had to have belonged to a man. In my head i created this life, a past for this seemingly well dressed stranger. Perhaps this was an ex husband watch. He probably passed away from old age. In my head they where together for a long time. Lived in New York their whole life. He took care of her as i did of Amliv. For reasons he couldn't control, perhaps cancer, he left her. He passed on to the next place. As i looked at her longer she kept groping and rubbing the watch. She gave a look of worry and the more it seemed she worried the more she rubbed and touched the watch. It comforts her. I wish i could tell her everything would be alright. But i had no idea who this person was. I've never wanted to see and hear from Amliv so much. I wanted to know if she was ok. If she had eaten that day. If she was warm or tired. If there was anything she needed. But my desires where unrealistic. She would never speak to me again. Or so she said last time we talked.. I believe that was her final message to me.

It's been months. I've written this letter over a hundred times. I always think of things to change and things to add. The more i think of it the more i change it. Some days i read it again and again. Fall asleep with it in my arms and dream about that girl im writing to. The dreams are vivid. In the dreams i smell her. I could sense her and feel her pulse. She's real in my dreams. Today is the day. Today is the day i write the final letter. Tomorrow i shall mail it. What her response will be im not sure. What response i want her to give im not sure. She always asked me to be open. Well this is the most open I've ever been. In this letter vie written everything. So here goes nothing, yet everything...